I felt less than peachy keen yesterday. I get very worrisome about my mother, whenever I have my period. I think about the futility of some futures. I dislike that she's so unhappy, stays in all the time, and has absolutely no life. And you know, perhaps that's all right. Like myself, she does this out of her own accord. I just really dislike it that she can't even give me the peace of mind by telling me that it is okay, that she's all right. I think, to a point, we all need to abandon these feelings of obligation to run our own lives.
And it isn't something I can solve by sitting down with her. We are different from many "american families." We JUST DO NOT talk about our feelings, our thoughts, or relate in that way except in some basic form. I know that I have to abandon her, some what. I think that's what really tears at me whenever I am feeling depressed for no reason... whenever I watch movies like "The Mother" or " Requiem for a Dream."
I had this deep extreme fear that I would be like my mother. It's ridiculous now, because I'm not. Or perhaps it doesn't matter, because if i loose myself somewhere along the line during the 40s or 50s, it is going to be from my own neglect (and I think many of these problems are from neglect). It isn't going to be some fatalistic genetic or maybe conditioned inevitable story. It isn't! I know this is her own issues... and perhaps she doesn't have as many as I think. Perhaps she is happy in what she calls her "ruined life."
It is just terrible (TERRIBLE!!) to see your parents crying... or to hear them refer to their life as ruined. There is some irrational intrinsic part of you asking if you're to blame. It's like that child blaming herself for her parent's divorce. The reality is, they chose to have you, they made their decisions in their life, and that's it. So I can't help but be cold, rational, and full of contempt whenever she goes on to say "how happy go lucky I am, and how worrisome she is... how full of angst and regret."
I have too much respect for her to coddle her. The very thought of it makes me want to puke.
1:28 p.m. - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
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